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Friday, November 01, 2013

WORD.



"Yes I am a mother, but I am also a single girl" people always forget about that. They like to put it altogether, "single mother" they judge and that's that.


I'm not one who'd "value up" myself and go about thinking HELL YEAH I'm strong I'm capable I'm damn worth your time. I tend to shy away from optimistic thoughts. I'm a pessimist. I think of the worst in every possible situation. I do that because I thought it'd be good to always be prepared for the worst. Even if it hurts, I'd have seen it coming. I don't like to get caught off guard. I've felt that once and I sure as hell don't want to go through it twice.


There are times, times when I feel that it is so unfair. Why am I always on the longest route to getting things done? Why won't I ever get things easy? I used to have a choice. & I've made stupid choices. 


ie. Education ; I was an express student. I didn't focus, I didn't work hard enough. I dropped into normal academic in Secondary 3. I took my N'Levels in school. I did well enough to proceed to Secondary 5. I had a choice but I didn't. To think back I thought it was what I wanted. But now, I just think its dumb. Dumb move. I went from dumb to dumber. Why? Cuz I went OUT of school to take my O' Levels in a private institute. What's real epic and dumb about it was that I chose subjects that I've never been exposed to in the entire 4 years of my Secondary school life. Without doubt, I flunked my O's BAD. My mom paid for the fees & I'm a disappointment to have let that hard earned $$ go down the drain.


ie. Relationship ; I used to have a really good boyfriend of 2 years. We go a long way back, good & bad times. Happy, worry-free even in the most dire straits. Then I started working, I met more people,  new friends. While he worked hard in NS. Something must have gotten into me, blurred my vision or something. I was complacent, taking everyone & everything else for granted. Felt like I wasn't going anywhere in life. Didn't have a stable career, had no plans to further my studies. I was literally bumming & I didn't know what to do in my life. No goal, nothing to strive for. My thoughts then were, damn I just turned 18. Time to go cray. Everything else can wait.


ie. Career ; I've never worked for more than a year. From F&B to retail. Then I got my 1st office admin position in a considerably well-known government sector BUT as a contract perm staff. Pay was peanuts. Smallest of its kind. I was surrounded by OLD colleagues & we clearly couldn't click. I had lunch alone at my desk every single day. I spoke to no one. I was anti social. I was not determined to stay. I made up excuses, broke the contract & left. Fortunately I wasn't required to compensate in any way. 


ie. Marriage ; Met this guy, good vibes. Felt like he was stable & all in to settle down. 3 months into a "honeymoon" relationship & foolishly (foolish now but smitten then cuz well u know) decided that he's the one. He did the sweetest things. He was romantic and understanding, I saw the initiative in him to want to care for me. To provide for me. I thought he loved me. I thought he would be faithful. I thought I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I loved him. For 4 years at least. Now, clear as crystal, I see a recurring pattern. Things that he once did for me, now, on auto repeat.  I figured, that he lives to impress. I figured that yes he's full of surprises. He's mister romance. All that, wasn't exclusively for me. He would do the same for whoever else whom he deemed of importance.  He would conceal the most dire conditions to appear picture perfect. Girls fall for that a lot. I did. I bore him a son. I thought we were this close to achieving the average happy & contented "family" with a humble crib in the making to call our own. Live life at its simplest. Apparently not. We've been living separate & apart since Oct 2012. It took almost a year to finalize our divorce proceedings. On Oct 23rd this year, the final judgement order was extracted. Finalfuckingly. 



After all that I've been through, good & bad, happy or sad.
I can't help but ask myself "What have I really achieved?"
What's next? 


It seems like after a major "long cut" in life, I'm back to square one.
Load is heavier. I have responsibilities. I have Trev.
What have I achieved? How will our future be like?
Is it going to be a bumpy ride? 
Will we ever get to just live comfortably without having to worry about increasing living expenses?
I have so much, so much on my mind.
Questions that I can't answer.
Future unknown.

I want to feel secure. I want to feel safe. I want to be at peace.
I want answers. I want assurance. 
But I don't know where to look. 

Meanwhile, I shall seek comfort in a quote I got from Tumblr.


Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want & just see what happens. -- Carrie Bradshaw